Yesterday, I mentioned two of my friends who refuse to leave their houses. They also refuse to have anyone into their houses. They are both fully vaccinated and so full of fear that they have stopped living.
I speak of old friends generally. Certainly they are not as old as my really old friends, just old friends that need to start living again in my opinion. I am not going to mandate that they have to leave everyday to get exercise but they are seriously depressed. One sits in front of CNN all day, filled with fear, scared out of her mind at this new variant. Who can watch cable news all day? I tried it for one day and nearly locked myself into my bedroom. Scared the crap out of me. Then, I discovered that the quickest way for COVID to go away is to turn off the television. So I did. I wish there was something I could do for them. I wish I had a way to ease their fears, but they are fully invested in today's world and that is sad. Whenever I go shopping I wear my mask. I know there are anti-maskers out there and I get that masks can't stop the virus, but what I do know is that wearing a mask makes me not touch my face with my fingers, or itch my nose or bite my nails when I am out and about. So, yeah they do work. At least for me. I always gel up. I have bottles of gel everywhere. In my car, my purse, by my kitchen sink and in my bathroom. I am a GREAT believer in gel even though I used to make fun of my daughter-in-law for making sure everyone gelled up before getting into her car. This was long before COVID. Shame on me and I have apologized. She comes from Asia and has a completely different perspective than I do or rather, did. I did not have a single cold last year. I had pneumonia but that's another story. I am without doubt a face toucher so my mask does protect me if I've something on my fingers that shouldn't be there. But I will not live my life inside my house. We all have red lines and that is my biggest. That's why I love kayaking and now that I can drive the boat I am up for taking people out for a spin. Did I mention I was proud of myself? I didn't know where the gas tank was much less how to fill it up. It took three of us to figure it out, but we did. And that is beautiful. It has been a year since Dennis died. I wasn't sure I would make it through all the emotion that threatened to eat me alive but I did. Grief has to be the most challenging emotion to conquer if that is even an appropriate word. Perhaps to assimilate is better.
One thing I know, is that I do not want my children to feel responsible for my journey. My kids deserve to have their own lives without me in constant attendance. I decided I needed to do something so I reached out to a few old friends, but they were busy with their lives and there wasn't any room for me in theirs especially with COVID. Once I accepted that I realized that I needed to make new friends. That sent me into a panic where the words how fucking hard is that became my mantra. Not as hard as I thought come to find out. I joined a kayaking club. Well, actually I showed up with my blow up canoe which I thought was a kayak three times before I actually got out of the car. Thank you Barbara and both Julies for welcoming me into your warm embrace and for teaching me that a canoe is not a kayak. It turns out there are lots of widows and other alone people up here and they, like me, can't stand to be in the house every single day. I have fallen, slipped, and wrenched my back, messed up my hands and shoulders all the while learning how to get the kayak down cement steps and into the water. Then I learned how to get myself into the kayak, kayaking, then finishing which forced me to learn how to get out of the kayak and how to get the kayak onto the cement steps to drag the kayak up the steps and onto the lawn where I learned how to tug the kayak onto a set of wheels that have to be just right under the seat and then have to bungee it all together and walk it across another street. Now that is a run on sentence. While that sounds like a lot of work and it is, that is nothing compared to watching a full moon rise with new friends. There is so much to talk about because they are new. I don't know them well, but for whatever reason they trust me and I trust them. In today's world that type of trust is rare. So we share our lives and that is beautiful. Thank you. Credit for pictures goes to Julie number one. There have been many days, too many to count actually, when I wonder why I am alive and my husband is gone. I still am unable to picture a life without him, but as my wise daughter says, you are doing it everyday.
I never knew how hard it would be to say good-bye or if good-bye would even be an option. I know that the answers I seek won't be known until the day I cross over because that is the way of things. Dennis made me feel safe. He was always there to pick me up and soothe me when life got hard. I don't have that anymore and so must find my comfort from within. I am still working on that. Sometimes just our hearts spoke to each other while we cuddled on the bed and watched old movies, breathed deep of chocolate chip cookies baking, and laughter, so much laughter. I miss the touch of his hands, his voice, his presence which is so alive within me that it seems impossible for him to really be gone. I knew I loved him, but I didn't know how much. We met so young that in many ways he fathered me and I mothered him. As we grew we grew into each other and even though there were times we grew apart, we blessed the experience and grew back closer. I miss his laugh, his smile, his sense of adventure that was identical to mine. Long drives, sunsets, the remarkable beauty of our country that we were fortunate to experienced together. So many things to miss, so hard to go on. |
Sign up today for freebies and fun. Grab your chance at signed copies of my paperbacks and free e-books.
For Kobo coupons click here or copy and paste the link into your browser.
http://www.therawfeed.com/stores/kobobooks-com |