Living Again #life #death #lifebeginsagain

Coming back after the loss of my husband has not been an easy process. It is a process of grief coming and going like the waves of an ocean. I don't know which is worse, death or unwanted divorce. In many ways the same process must be gone through to come out the other side according to my unwanted divorced friends. Thankfully, that is one thing I haven't experienced. 

Lest I downplay the death of a spouse, I want people to know it is hard. I have never experienced anything like it and hope I never will again. There have been times I have wanted to die. Times when life is no longer worth living in this bleak dark hole I've built for myself. The month of August is the worst. Saturday before last, it was two years since my husband passed but it felt like yesterday, until the grief lifted, and I could see light again. Which would be why I haven't posted on my blog or on Facebook for the month. Every day I relive the process, but my grief counselor assures me my reaction is entirely normal. 

Some might disagree with my fanatical grasp on life during which I've learned to kayak, hike, camp, fish, I love fishing, but want to learn how to fly fish and how to drive our/now my boat. I have overcome every challenge I've set for myself, and I am proud that I have. It hasn't been easy, but I've met so many interesting people and learned so many things about being alone that those lessons could seriously become a book. 

I know more about online dating that I ever thought possible. I haven't done it and doubt I ever will, but my friends have and damn, the courage they have to find a partner is amazing.  They, well, one in particular has been going through men like M&Ms. Until finally, just when I thought she was going to give up, she finds Mister Perfect.  Thank God. Her stories were far more sad than happy. Thankfully, those days are over. At least for now. 

Then there is the drama of on again off again relationships. It feels like high school if that is at all possible at our age. Still, it is fun to watch life assert itself. I like to think of myself as a watcher and as long as my friends don't mind me recording their experiences for future use, I am good with the status. Watching is so much better than participating.  Couldn't take the heartache. 

My intention is to start updating my blog preferably on Monday of each week. I'd also like to get my stats back up and my book sales in addition to marketing. I created a place in my backyard (see above) where I can sit and write peaceably. I sit in my swing and stare at the trees with a calm mind. I don't find the need to blast through life as much anymore. For a while all my new hobbies blackened any attempts to write though I did finish one book and am halfway done on the next. How I did that I have no idea. 

I hope the friendships I've made and the ones I've reawakened will live on until I'm no longer here. It is good to have friends, better to have friends who want to live, and best to have friends to whom you can say, I love you, and not be embarrassed. 

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