Where are you Christmas?

I was searching for Christmas today, but couldn't find it. I send the manuscript of Gemini Rising back to the editor and thought I might be able to capture the moment then, but I was wrong. I actually got to lower the dose on Prednisone today and thought that might help.

Nope.

Having Christmas, an ill family member, a book due, a cold, and a Crohn's attack has taken the spit and vinegar out of me.  But, to be honest with myself, Christmas has nothing to do with any of those things. It comes from a special place in the heart that is locked quite tight at the moment. So tight in fact, very little gets through. It kinda feels like my solar plexus is bleeding and the scab is thick. 

I get that things change as one goes through life. People come and people go, sometimes because the time is right and sometimes through death. The last few years have been damn painful.

Damn painful.  

Too many gone, too many more to go. 

I don't have any intention of bringing anyone down, so if you're starting to feel the depression surrounding me, I'd stop reading and go play with some kids. You'll feel better. Trust me on that one. 

I did pray for snow today. I did it once for my nephew when we lived in the Bay Area. It hailed, which was as close to snow as you're going to get in Fremont. The kid thought I could change the world after that. Too bad he was wrong. 

When you are looking for a miracle, waiting on a miracle, needing a miracle, it is best to remember that people cannot bring miracles with will power. I know. I've tried. It doesn't work.  All it does it exhaust you. Magic potions don't work and spells and yeah yeah yeah, if you believe hard enough it will happen. Now that's a process that will give you a headache on top of making you feel responsible that a miracle hasn't occurred. 

And so, this is where I am today. Waiting on Christmas, asking for hope, expecting a miracle that cannot be brought about by my willing it. At times like these it is best to look back at the things you are grateful for. Like my stupid stapler I use to keep my stacks of paper together. Or my new stand up desk I haven't felt like using because I've been too sick. Thank God for Lysol and my on call who is covering for me tomorrow so I can stay home and sleep. 

My family needs a few prayers this holiday season so if you have any laying around please send them our way. I had the lecture today about how you have to let things flow. Well, all I have to say is that someone stuck a big plastic plunger into my gut and there ain't nothing going in or out. The flow done stopped. 

This is a dark night for my soul. 

But I also know this: this too shall pass. It always does. No matter how dark it gets, light is around the corner. I will find a new drug for Crohn's, the Prednisone will get out of my system, my cold will clear up, and the family will weather another bout of fear, hope, and anguish. It has always been thus. And it shall be again. 

If you have managed to slog through my first and only depressed Christmas blog ever, I do wish you the very merriest of Christmas'. And lest I leave you with a feeling of gloom, which would horrify me, I promise one thing to you and yours and mine: Christmas does come and it comes without presents, candy, and in some cases beer and wine. My tree is lighted and the presents are wrapped. No matter how I am feeling now, the moment those kids start to unwrap their presents, I will be wonderfully and mindfully there.