Remicade and Me # depression #crohns #uc #ibd #daughters

I went into my Remicade infusion yesterday with depression weighing heavily on my mind and spirit. I had intended to have my husband drive me, but at the last minute decided to go alone. I wasn't sure what was bothering me and I couldn't really talk about it until today. 

Finally, I did my daily meditation. Being tied to a hospital bed for several hours is a great time for introspective thinking.  I am getting older and my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be and this causes me distress. Meditation seems to help. Add Crohn's with a hefty dash of Remicade which makes me feel a  ill for a few days, and you have the recipe for depression. Even before I get there, I know what's coming. Still, that wasn't all that bothered me. 

While being infused you are reminded of your mortality. Not that Crohn's kills anymore, but let's face it Remicade comes with a hefty warning label and the con-commitment issues that come with Crohn's can certainly shorten your time on Earth . Infusion gets you to thinking about life, your children, and the mark you've left on the world. There is so much I want to say and don't. Mostly because, verbally, I come off as a bit of a dork. 

My daughter and her family came to visit this weekend. I miss her terribly and really wanted to talk to her. I needed to tell her how much I love her and what she means to me. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her what a beautiful person she is, but there is never enough time for all the things I want to say and can't. 

Her children are wonderful little creatures that she and Scott brought into this world and raised to be remarkable human beings.  Funny and smart, Jack made us laugh while I cried, realizing how much time has passed.  Time I will never get back. For some reason, I needed to let her know that now that her brothers live so close, I realize what I have lost. The distance between us is only a few hours, but they have taken from me those special moments only a mom and daughter can share. The daily things like homemade chocolate chip cookies, walks with her little ones, now grown, to find treasures, those most wonderful things hidden beneath colorful autumn leaves and frost covered stones. But, most of all, I miss her. I miss eating a half-gallon of ice cream while pouring over life's troubles. She is my best friend,

I cannot get those moments back. I'll never watch over Jacob and Jack's homework like I do with her nieces and nephews. I want her to know how much her brothers miss her, because they do. When we get together her absence is sorely missed. It is an empty spot at the table only she can fill. She is a part of us. While we may be a little on the grubby side, because not many mothers like fossils and rock collecting,  and her brothers are into contracting, and your dad, well, he takes me where I need to go, you are our diamond amidst the rubble and you are well loved.

Those are the things I wanted to say and didn't. I  probably wouldn't have said them well in any case. But if you are reading this, my most beautiful daughter, these are the things I wanted to say and didn't.

Love,

Mom

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