May the peace of the wilderness be with you. #grief #writer #author #me

I am at a standstill. I can't figure out where I go from here. After my husband died I assumed I would start writing again. Problem is, he was/is my creativity. He'd watch the news or whatever and I would write. Now I have all day to write and I don't write. Instead, I distract myself with things like planting veggies or a lawn and now we have this mega drought and I have to let everything die. 

I ripped out all my kitchen cupboard doors and painted them red and brown. That is the price you pay for Pinterest. I painted the deck, then the garage. I built a fire pit in the backyard. It's gigantic. I even cemented it and then, on the advice of my mail person, added fairy lights since we can't have fires. 

I put in new floors, went to Branson and now I'm off to Disneyland. I am learning how to grieve. How to flow through the emotions, the anger, the stress, the love, the stress, the love. Yeah, that would be me repeating myself. 

I know that I want to write again, I mean after all, writing is what I do. 

Every book, children's or otherwise, comes with a moral. I don't know why, it is just who I am. Everything must have meaning, right? Or what's the point of it all? I am driven to find meaning in everything, even my husband's death. 

For those of you who have followed my grief journey I can say that you will survive. Your new world will not be the same and you will have so much self-discovery to go through that it will occupy your entire life. Every moment of every day you will ask why. But the answer cannot be found in the why, but in yourself. 

You will discover a journey that leads you down some scary byways and you will find the moment in time you have spent your life searching for. I am a landscaper, a farmer, a color coordinator. I can fix loose boards, replace loose boards, change the filters and walk three miles a day. I can paint, I can cry, I accept emotions I didn't know existed. I am creative and destructive, but most of all, I am me. At least for now. Acceptance is hard. So very hard, but it has to be done so I can live the most authentic me, I can imagine.

​The journey rages on. 

Bless you all. 
​
Louann