Learning to live without my life partner #cancer

I met my husband when I was a freshman in high school. He was a junior, an older man. For 52 years we had been together through good times and bad. And there were some very bad times. Like when he was stabbed 9 times and the cops stayed too long at the doughnut shop to respond to the call.  Or when he had to work overtime when our son was born yet he made it to the hospital just in the nick of time. Or even when we separated for a season. We learned to love that much harder. 

During these last few months we discussed everything. We asked forgiveness from each other. Regrets are lousy things to take to the grave. We did a lot of forgiving and more than enough hugging and tears. He wanted to live, shouted to live just a few minutes before we said good-bye.

I never understood the truth of such a profound grief. Every cell in my body grieves for him twenty-four hours a day. I see my children and grandchildren and grieve for them. My arms drop to my sides in despair.  Yet, this too has taught me lessons I would not have my worst enemy shoulder. 

We agreed beforehand to cremation, yet now I see why open caskets and funerals are so important. It is one last chance to say good-bye. I tried to put together a Celebration of Life but in the world of COVID-19 it isn't possible. So, I don't have another good-bye. I will get a box of ashes to put in the mausoleum that over looks Mt. Diablo.  It is a lovely place, too bad all the people who live there are dead. 

I get that every person in this world will go through what I am experiencing unless they are the lucky one who gets to go first. I feel lost, alone, frightened and, I really don't have a word or words to describe the darkness that encompasses me at times. 

I understand how a person could want to commit suicide. While I held his hand as he was dying and after his last breath, I clearly saw myself get up and walk down the hall to the bathroom where I slit my wrists and watched myself bleed out. I saw it clearly in my mind's eye. There is such an emptiness in saying good-bye and to know that never again in this lifetime will I see him. Never. So definite. So final. 

I understand now that there are times I have to turn to other people for support. Even if for just a few minutes. Pure panic overtakes me at times. I can't imagine never seeing him again in this lifetime. I really can't. I am not there yet. I see him coming in the front door, the bedroom, hear his steps in the hall before he lost the use of his legs. I cherish the times he would scream out my name from the bathroom just to startle me and make me laugh. 

My life is a shadow of what it once was and I suppose I will stay here for some time to come. I will watch my children grieve and suffer until it passes. They say there will be a time when I will mend. When I will learn how to live with the pain and sorrow and maybe, just maybe, I might smile again. 

What is an accomplishment is that I wrote this blog without dissolving into tears on the floor. One step after another. One day at a time. 

For those who have sent cards and flowers I thank you so much. They are beautiful and every time I look at them, it reminds me of the beauty in this world and that, is appreciated. 

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