I Love You Goes On #cancer #stage 4 #love

There are days when I don't remember the date, the time, or even the month. It is all I can do to get through one day to the other. I was stuck in the bathroom a few days ago and once again had the feeling I couldn't walk. I kept telling myself that all I had to do was shuffle one foot. I stared at the door, feeling like it was a million miles away. My foot shuffled and the other one followed. 

Eventually, I reached the hallway. 

Then there are times when the urge to cry is so overwhelming that you just cry. It can happen in the grocery store, in front of a team of physicians, or while driving the car. Tears just flow. You own them, but you cannot stop them. You also own your anger, your frustration, your joy and your love. Those are easier to manage.

Dennis' spinal surgery went well. The surgical opening is about a foot long down his back and they were able to remove the vertebras with cancer and replace the empty spaces with wire mesh and titanium steel.  The miraculous surgeon was sure Dennis' new back was at least as strong as his original and probably better.

The kids rented a hotel room which I use mainly to cry and sleep and cry again. Cancer is a horrific disease. It moves from one place to another so fast it is almost unbelievable. Every day there is a new spot, shown by the uptake of contrast. He understands that this will not end well, but he is determined to make it to our 50th wedding anniversary in October. 

The first day they moved him to the acute rehab center at Mercy Hospital I tried to navigate my way to the hotel using Siri and then Google maps. Neither app recognized one way streets. At one point I stopped the car in the middle of the road, hysterically crying to God to take me now! I can't do this anymore!

I crossed a Black Lives Matter protest, police with lights and sirens, a couple fire trucks, and junkies dancing in the street waiting to get hit either by a pipe, a needle, or a car. I am not trying to generalize, but am using descriptive language to describe these groups and/or loners. Some junkies were so thin a breath of wind would knock them over. Many lay in small grottos nodding off or sleeping in their own filth. 

While panicking, I prayed for a police person to find me and direct me where I was to go. I couldn't stay at the rehab center so I learned about the inner city of Sacramento where the drug addicts and homeless lived. Eventually I found the Residence Inn, parked the car, fled up the steps after handing out money to the homeless and crawled into bed. 

Dennis' cancer is not gone and in fact has grown. We are all aware of the eventual end even though we believe in miracles. Like I said before, Dennis and the Virgin Mary have a connection. I admit to losing faith only to have it rise again. 

Our kids have shown the greatest love and respect for their father. One of them is here every day. After I melted down behind the wheel of the car they became a bit paranoid letting me drive. I can't say as I blame them because I truly lost it. I just couldn't take it anymore. 

I love that man. After fifty years you'd have to, right? 

The rehab center is a super rehab center. Once you are up you are exercising. He spends most of his time on the parallel bars trying to get his legs stronger. His upper body strength is amazing. He can flip from wheel chair to bed in an instant. They have already started to cut back on his drugs and he is doing very well.

Amazingly his blood counts are damn near normal. No one really knows why, but although they would be low for you and me, they are high for him. It's another miracle we can add to our list. 


I Love You Goes On

A whisper grazes my cheek
I love you, he says, and I you, I answer back.  

No matter the ravages of time
the I love you goes on

Sweet tendrils of new hair 
Remind me of your suffering

If I could take it away, I would 
But it is not my battle to fight

I have but one thing 
The I love you goes on