Good-bye My Friend

As we drew closer to Bobby's demise, I became angrier and angrier. Heaven forbid someone try and cross me. Everyone except my husband was the object of my anger. As a person who attempts to live in denial, I couldn't understand why I was so angry. I thought back to all the other deaths I had witnessed. One of my closest friends at 32 from breast cancer and all the family deaths that surround me. (Having a large family comes with a great cost.)  Each death came with a ferocious anger that sets me upside down emotionally and physically.  

I can't think of anything but how pissed off I am. As I stood in Bob's room just hours away from his last breath, I paced the hallways, fury bubbling. I was angry that  his mother had abandoned him when he was young, I was angry that my mother-in-law had abandoned him when she got ill. I was angry at everyone and everything.  

As Bobby's breathing became irregular, I grew angry at the nurses, the aids, and Bob's doctor. When my husband closed Bob's eyes and mouth for the final time, I grew angry at God.  Why would a mentally and physically challenged person have to face such a difficult death?   Egad! We treat our animals better than we do our dying. I'm not saying that he wasn't given morphine because he was. What I am saying, is that his body was in distress. Or rather, that it seemed to be in distress as communication was nil. I will never know and can only pray that his soul was gone before the body died.  

Today, on my way to work, I kept worrying the anger issue over and over in my brain.  If there is one emotion I hate, it's anger. It reminds me of those bubbling fuel repositories in Japan. I kept hoping that I wouldn't go nuclear.  

As I drove to work, a memory shot to the fore of when my father passed. My mother, sister, and brother attended my dad's funeral. At five and a half years of age, I was left behind. Furious, I locked the front door and wouldn't let them back into the house. Someone made me unlock the door, I think it was a neighbor, and I still remember them standing on the porch, my mother dressed in black and white with a matching hat, my brother next to her, and my sister on the opposite side. I turned and walked the hallway to my room, slamming my door behind me. I have carried my anger for 56 years and at each death those anger issues came to the fore. Now, I realize where my fury was born.    That's a long time to hold a grudge.  

The last time I saw Bobby I was able to kiss his forehead and wish him God speed. Unfortunately, many people in Japan are unable to do so. As I watch the situation unfold, the very real emotion of grief is evident within me. I realize that other than send money or food and clothing there is little I can do but pray.  

I understand the Japanese are close to installing electricity to the damaged nuclear plant. I pray this is not more misinformation as the US and Brits are asking their citizens to evacuate to north of Tokyo.   I live on the west coast of California and have had an interesting time watching people buy potassium iodine to protect them from thyroid cancer. I haven't bought any because I do not believe the radiation will reach this far. And even if it does, I would rather the children partake.  

All that said on this most horrible of weeks, I wish all you a wonderful life and many blessings upon all. For those of  you that have e-mailed me I haven't checked my e-mail in a week. I will get back up to speed next week. I promise.