Faith, Hope, and Love: Lessons in Living #cancer #peace #thejourney

I never understood faith. It was a concept foreign to me. I struggled to attain it, but always fell short. I could never wrap my head around a belief system that had no proof. And when I was told to have faith, I was always left with a consortium of glass shards slicing my stomach to pieces because I did not understand. How to be a christian without faith is difficult. 

Several weeks ago we were told my husband had less that 3-4 months to live. For weeks, we lived in a shadow world where nothing was as it seemed. We had hoped the chemo and radiation would have done something, but it didn't work. In fact, the cancer had grown.

Dennis' story is his to tell, my story my own. I cannot fathom all the thoughts running through his head and even to this day, we have not shared them all. Some you just can't. Others are so powerful they have to remain unspoken, for to speak them, would be soul shattering. 

The abyss I faced was a bottomless bog filled with shadows that threatened to eat me. The nights were the worst; filled with an aching need to understand the impossible. How will I comfort our children? Our grandchildren? I am strong, but not strong enough for this. 

Late one night, in the middle of my angst and terror the gorge beckoned me. Faith, I thought in my night-fevered brain, is a choice. I studied that chasm, that shadow-filled abyss. I peered at its darkness, let myself feel its pain. I wanted to know everything about this demon who called because I knew that if I stepped into that pit, I would not return. 

But what of faith, I wondered, as my feet shuffled toward the ledge. A thought struck me. True faith would be to step into the chasm ready to fall, but expecting to be caught by a being I could not see, feel, or touch. That I would not fall into the pit of never-ending sorrow, but would be carried, held with love, compassion and understanding until I reached the other side, whole and filled with peace.  

The valley of shadows. Ah, I thought. That is what lies below me. My soul grew lighter and I stepped out. Loss, sorrow, and hopelessness came with me along with love and acceptance. Yet, I did not think of myself or the valley as my feet carried me forward. Faith, I thought, is expecting God to carry me when everything is against me.  

I stepped into empty air. All my fears, thoughts, and night terrors came with that first step into emptiness. Yet, I did not fall into the miasma of lost souls, but was caught and comforted by someone much larger than me. No words needed to be spoken. I realized that at my darkest hour, I was held. And then I realized that I had known this type of faith before, back when I was a child. Somehow, I had lost it. 

​Faith, I discovered, wasn't so far away after all. 

That I have found faith doesn't mean that sorrow is banished. In some indefinable way, I now know that I am carried. I am not alone. Neither are my children or my husband.

This has given me peace to face the future. 

#Hope is still to come