Enter the Anger #cancer #loss #grief

I am angry.

I knew I was suppose to get to anger, I just didn't realize how long it would take. It has been six months since my husband died and I am pissed. I am mad at everyone and everything that comes into my world. 

I want to be alone. 

I don't want anyone around me. I don't want to talk to anyone and I hate everyone. I want to smash windows and even as I build things up, I want to tear them down. I don't want to live in a world where the most precious things can be ripped from a lovers' hand in a horrific manner. 

I don't even get what makes living worthwhile.

I hate that my children and grandchildren have to suffer so. This weekend, my littlest granddaughter when on a ghost hunting trip to find her grandfather. She took pictures of his chair hoping to find a butt print that would prove to her he was still alive. We made a game of it and we laughed, but...

It hurt.
 
She asked to listen to a recording that came from my home number to my cell number on the morning of his birthday. The phone that is labeled: Happy Anniversary to my beautiful wife, fifty years and counting.

I didn't make the call or name the phone.  Certainly I didn't call my phone in the early morning on his birthday.  We played the strange electronic music that no one in their right mind would want to listen to, and she heard someone breathing, as I did, and recognized it as her grandfather's, as I did too. 

The call came from somewhere other than my home phone no matter what the records show. There was no one in my house and I certainly didn't call my cell to leave an electronic message that sounded like his breathing. Even if it was him...

I am still angry.

​I want to hold him, to touch him, to tell him how much I love him. Somehow saying the words are not enough. I do believe in life after death, but he went too early. We had plans. Kids and grandkids that adore him. And he never should have experienced so much pain. 

In the end, it doesn't matter what I like or dislike. The end game is the same. I expect the anger will pass as has the overwhelming grief that threatened my sanity. 

I just hope it is soon.