Depression, Anxiety, #crohnsdisease #cancer #esophageal cancer

Our county is releasing us from the #stayathome order. We live in the rural area of California in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada. We've had 47 cases and one death which is pretty damn good. We know how to follow the rules.

Today, I was overcome by waves of anxiety before venturing into a drug store. It was driven home that this mantra of fear has become deeply ingrained. And my doctor believes I've already had COVID-19. Unfortunately, the big WHAT IF enters the brain as I glance at my husband who is a shadow of his former self. 

Thank you cancer. 

The husband and I have discussed this at length. As long as the virus stays focused on the seniors of society we are OK with risking ourselves. My parents and I'm sure lots of other parents used herd immunity. When I came down with Rubella my older brother was deliberately exposed to me so that he would get the disease. It was just what was done. It was better to get it over with, immunity would follow, and life would go on as usual. 

However, I have discovered that young children are now being hospitalized with an inflammatory condition that occurs after exposure to the corona virus. This inflammatory condition affects the veins and can be deadly. Even worse is that the first reported cases were in New York, but the syndrome is now spreading to Connecticut and Illinois and as of three days ago, California.  Experts say the syndrome is similar to Kawasaki disease.

Which is why, it truly unnerved us to discover we were absolutely terrified to go into a drug store today even with masks and gloves. We did not feel that way a week ago. We didn't feel that way on Saturday. We have decided that if kids are having issues this is Game Over. Herd immunity cannot be tried if it endangers children. Yet, Rubella left long lasting scars on parents and children as did polio.  Thank God I'm not in charge. Everyone would be in the house.  

In the meantime, we wait for the scan at the end of the month that will tell us whether or not the chemo and radiation worked on my husband. Of course we are hoping, praying, and believing that it blasted the shit out of the cancer and we will see the letters NED on the bottom of the CT scan. NED means: no evidence of disease. 

I have discovered that my anxiety stems from the understanding that there is no pathway to the future. We can't plan anything, or commit to anything, and even the simple wanting of something to happen is an impossible task because we, just like everyone on the planet though they don't know it, have no future but today.

Mindfulness helps. It keeps you focused on the here and now. The feel of the keys beneath my finger, the click of a sentence as it nears completion on my computer. The world has moved on into possibilities that leave us behind.  It isn't bad in this place, but cancer is a sharp reminder not to go any further than today. 

For us, the future must wait.