Creating a new life after loss #grief #cancer

I grabbed a picture of this house because it best represents what I look like on the inside as well as the outside. After Dennis' birthday and Valentines Day, I spent yesterday in bed all day. I did shower, but the rest of my time was spent reading quietly, crying, and just trying to wrap my head around my new life. 

Aside from being a Libertarian I am very interested in Emanuel Swedenborg, circa late 1700s. He was a scientist who embraced Christianity with some very interesting meditative ideas on spiritual growth. I find him fascinating because so much of what he teaches is about unconditional love and wisdom. Again, live and let live which is a subject I find most wise as long as the other person does not harm me, my family, my neighborhood or my community. 

In my philosophy, family takes priority. Family takes care of family. Dennis wanted to die at home and as a family we came together to make that happen. No hospital, no convalescent home, no hospice except very basic medication care. Was it hard?

Beyond belief.  

The other day I was asked about the dying at home experience. I told her this: In my situation there wasn't any peace. Dennis did not want to die so he fought every step of the way. It was hard and gritty. Filled with agonizing pain and suffering. But he did it his way. It was what he wanted and he wanted God to come down and cure him. When it became clear to him that that was not going to happen, he died. But the getting there wasn't easy. 

If you are considering traveling our path be prepared for an excruciating journey.  Especially if death is imminent and the person dying is in extreme pain. Some people experience a peaceful death while others experience it fraught with anxiety, fear, and desperation. No one knows how their journey will end until they get there. Dying at home is hard, but Dennis had the right to chose his place of exit and we managed to give him his peace.

Sometimes it took all three of us to lift and carry him from one room to the next, to a wheelchair to a chair or to a bed. Each  one of us faced his anxiety and struggled to help him find the peace he was searching for at the end of his life. Each child in addition to myself gave him what he needed when what he needed came from one specific individual.  We gave space to him to be with his son and daughters-in-law and his grandchildren. 

As I said, it was damn hard and now that the shock has worn off and grief, true grief has set in, I find myself exhausted. I wonder why I should go on without him, even though I must. True grief, when not fueled by adrenalin, is exhausting. My laughter is gone and my patience went with it. I have no tolerance for stupidity even as I recognize that the ideals I set for intelligent thinking are mine alone. I frustrate myself. These things never bothered me before, but they do now. 

I suppose this new feeling is born of the realization that I really have no control over anything. Certainly not people. So what to call this new way of being? Living angry would be a good title. I actually told someone the other day to get their shit together because I was tired of worrying about them. And this person wasn't even a blood relative. 

I warn people when they come around me that this new angry person is being born and inside I hope that she will one day go away because she can rage with the best of them. There is no energy in me to curb her tongue so-to-speak. 

Take for example the title of this blog. I no longer capitalize and I never use a period in titles. I assume that it is not correct and I really don't give a shit. I don't use periods in Facebook comments or Instagram either. It is my little piece of rebellion that feels good and seems to comfort the angry one, as I now call her. If that's all it takes to shut her up I'm good with that. But it is not enough. I have no idea how long she will hang around, but I suspect we will be best friends by the time this is over.