Cognitive Dissonance or how to hold two or more contrary beliefs without going nuts #dysautonomia

I woke up this morning, got up slowly, and promptly passed out. Fortunately, I am programmed to drop slowly to my knees so I don't hurt myself, but sometimes, like today at Rite-Aide when I bent down to grab some make-up and stood up too fast, it could have been a lot worse. I drink a lot of water because it is supposed to help maintain my blood pressure. And I mean a lot of water. Oh, and a spoonful of salt a day. That is in addition to even more medications. 

The part of my body that does thing automatically, like breathing, blood pressure, heart rate, has a hitch in its get-a-long.  It just doesn't work, but at least it tries and that is something. Otherwise, I'd be dead. 

I asked my doctor today, "What happened to me?"

​She didn't have an answer.  

In the field of psychology, cognitive dissonance is the mental discomfort (psychological stress) experienced by a person who simultaneously holds two or more contradictory beliefs, ideas, or values. The occurrence of cognitive dissonance is a consequence of a person performing an action that contradicts personal beliefs, ideals, and values; and also occurs when confronted with new information that contradicts said beliefs, ideals, and values.[1][2]

​Link back

I believe(d) that all disease starts in the mind/body. Which begs the question: WHY IS MY BODY ATTACKING ITSELF?

Because I believe this, I make myself crazy trying to figure out the why of something no one understands.  Crohn's is an autoimmune issue though there are some now that believe it is genetic, but that is neither here nor there. Dysautonomia is also thought to be autoimmune, but could also be genetic. 

I decided to sweep the kitchen floor. The next day, I cleaned my bathroom. I only have the energy to do one thing a day. If I do more, I end up exhausted and it take me several days to recover. On the day I was to clean my floor, I had an epiphany. I called my BFF and told her I had the BEST idea ever. 

"Uh, yeah?" 

"I am going to design a dirty floor."

"Why?"

"So we don't have to clean anymore. We can make dirty popular!" 

Now for a chronically ill person, making dirty popular is a GREAT idea. I struggle with housework. I struggle with laundry. Thank God I have an awesome husband. But just think about it, if dirty becomes the IN THING,  can you imagine the celebration?  

So, back to cognitive dissonance.  While cleaning my floor with my Swiffer, I noticed dust. Then more dust, then LOTS more dust. Ugh. I paused a moment to gather my energy when all of a sudden, my belief in my ability to heal myself evaporated like dust.

Why?

On this plane, atop this planet, EVERYTHING DIES. What happens when something dies? It turns to dust or gets eaten.  Even the eater of dead things eventually gets turned into dust or eaten. I could go on with this, but all things eventually die. It's called the circle of life. 

I had been adding to my stress by worrying about what I was doing wrong to cause this situation within myself. And with that I let it go. I mean, everything disintegrates, even dust, and sometimes shit happens.