An Amazing Experience #love #cancer #family

How to thank our children for becoming the people they are seems an overwhelming task. If this is your first visit to my page you should know that my husband has stage four esophageal cancer with mets to his lungs, liver, and numerous lymph nodes.

Because my husband has to be treated in a city far from our home, our children have seen to it that we've never needed a dime; hotels are paid for, laundry is done, car fueled, food, company, and support, all without asking. There are phone calls, extra sets of ears when I feel like I can't go on. Shoulders to cry on. Frank discussions about childhood through adulthood, all the things you want to say but never get around to saying. Apologies all around for doing what we thought best at the time. And the paths they took as young men which gave them lessons I could never give. And a daughter more beautiful than one could think possible. Inside and out.

We admire the children we have brought into this world but cannot take credit. In some deeper sense, we feel like they were put here with us to help and guide us though this terrible time. They are our lifeline to another world where grandchildren play, barbeques happen, cousins, friends, family. They are our window into a life that does not consist of doctors, specialists, and hospitals. 

Doing all this through a Covid 19 world is almost an effort in futility. Masks in, masks out, yet most people don't wear them. I do. I have someone to protect. There is no one to clean your room and no garbage bags to put garbage into. Instead one wears a mask downstairs and requests garbage bags which you are then free to bag and keep in your hotel room until you leave. The free breakfast is not one where you actually get your own breakfast and believe me I'm not complaining. A bagel and coffee is a damn nice thing to have. 

Restaurants are a sit outside affair. I went walking with my grandson Jack who showed me the ropes on how to eat without contamination. A wonderful kid that Jack. He'll be leaving for college in a few weeks and I will miss him very much. Such a gentle giant who is lethal on the football field.

My daughter is my sounding board. Her advice is beyond value. And her Jedi mind tricks are pretty damn spectacular. I have learned a lot from her. I guess she's learned a lot working in a middle school. Her exquisite and gentle soul has provided her with a roadmap into this world that is so difficult to navigate. She shares her map with me. 

The two boys are our support system. The love for their dad has overwhelmed them. The thought of loving and leaving him is an agony that weighs them down. They are such sensitive souls. They, like their sister and me, are highly sensitive persons. We tend to take on the feelings of others which adds to the agony. It is a hard road to walk, but one we must travel.

The tumor on Dennis' spine is gone, but he is weak and more tumors live in various places. Today his kidneys were not doing well so when I showed up he already had a drip attached. He was depressed because he was so tired. I did what I always do, I bought him candy. The kids hate it, but I do it because it's worth a smile. When Denny and Nathalia showed up with brownies and crescent roll sandwiches his day was made, walking or no walking. 

His pain is bad, the drugs they give him make him loopy. But he always knows me and the kids and his dreams are always of me and the kids. I never knew how pained he was when he thought my mother would take Shannon and I away from him. I was so young, but so much in love and he was so afraid, terribly afraid, that he would lose his daughter. 

Several times now I've had to tell him that we are fine. We have three children and seven grandchildren. We are safe in God's arms. This thought brings him peace. Another time he was thrashing, terrified he wouldn't be able to feed the kids or put a roof over their heads. He did and he did it well. We never worried. I assured him that we were retired, had enough money to live on, and were well cared for. 

Such a kind gentle man resides in a soul that was always in conflict with his manly man side. I've always known this, but that is because I am his wife. Dennis is the kindest person I have ever known. And I love him more than I can say. 

Walking the streets of Sacramento when I am so tired I can barely stay awake has taught me so much. I met a homeless man with the bluest eyes I have ever seen. I stopped and talked with him, gave him a twenty that will probably be used to buy drugs or liquor, talked for awhile then went on my way. Sometimes angels visit at the most inappropriate times. This was one of them. 

So many people sleep in alley ways and porch stoops. Some so thin it hurts to see them move. By the time I'm done with my walk I'm as poor as a church mouse and probably did little good for anyone. 

I long to go home as I know Dennis does. I think it's been three weeks or more since we've seen home. My neighbors water my plants which is so very kind. There is so much good in this world that we forget to see it. The one thing I didn't mention that just dawned on me was that the homeless people, with the exception of one Caucasian woman were African American. I only mention it now for descriptive purposes.  That is what I do as I am a writer. A chronicler of emotion and life. 

And sometimes life is so damn hard.