I am lousy about updating my blog. Most of the time I am seriously depressed, anxious, lonely, and very afraid. All of those feelings are part of the normal grieving process. I lost the guilt after attending a meeting of like-minded women suffering grief. We range in loss from twenty years to me at 3 months though at the time it was just 8 weeks.
They were all impressed that I had the stamina to actually attend a first meeting. I won't say it wasn't hard but I was carrying a boatload of guilt that felt like a ten ton rock strapped to my back. I told them why I felt guilty and they all smiled. Guilt is also a process you walk though. Mine was that I hadn't forced him into Hospice sooner, that maybe his final days would have been less painful.
I still can't figure out how Dr. Campbell missed a tumor big enough to break Dennis' back. This is something I will have to address at some future time because no patient or family should have to go through that.
But I digress. My next door neighbor is also a widow. Hi, Debbie if you are reading this. She said to me, "Louann? Dennis wouldn't even cut down a tree. There is no other way Dennis would have died except to fight all the way." Or words like those in any case. "No matter how horrible the journey."
She is right. Dennis would not have had it any other way. His last words to me were, "I want to live!" Then I had to tell him to go because his body was too broken to contain life. He looked at me then looked away. He closed his eyes and he was gone.
Now that COVID has reared its ugly head, Thanksgiving has become a problem. I want to go to my daughter's as do the sons, but we are nervous about infecting anyone or someone infecting us. I am off to Remicade in an hour and will ask my nurses what they think.
Grief during the holidays is overwhelming. It was always Dennis' job to decorate the outside. Last weekend I put up a Santa with his pants on fire going down a chimney. Rudolph is at his side with a fire extinguisher. I hung 10 stars on a pine tree out front as well. Then I bought a 20.00 fake Christmas tree and new ornaments. I put up the tree and added the presents all bought a month or so ago because I knew this would be hard and wanted to be prepared. My purpose being, I want my grandchildren to know that life does go one.
I cried when the Santa went up and again with the tree. I cried myself to sleep wondering if I should go to my daughter's house. I want to see them so much. I cried this morning because life sucks right now. However, I am a realist and I know this will get better someday. I don't see how, right now, but I have to believe it will.
For those of us in grief, I wish us all the best. I hope we find happy moments in between the sadness and life amid the loss.
God bless everyone.
They were all impressed that I had the stamina to actually attend a first meeting. I won't say it wasn't hard but I was carrying a boatload of guilt that felt like a ten ton rock strapped to my back. I told them why I felt guilty and they all smiled. Guilt is also a process you walk though. Mine was that I hadn't forced him into Hospice sooner, that maybe his final days would have been less painful.
I still can't figure out how Dr. Campbell missed a tumor big enough to break Dennis' back. This is something I will have to address at some future time because no patient or family should have to go through that.
But I digress. My next door neighbor is also a widow. Hi, Debbie if you are reading this. She said to me, "Louann? Dennis wouldn't even cut down a tree. There is no other way Dennis would have died except to fight all the way." Or words like those in any case. "No matter how horrible the journey."
She is right. Dennis would not have had it any other way. His last words to me were, "I want to live!" Then I had to tell him to go because his body was too broken to contain life. He looked at me then looked away. He closed his eyes and he was gone.
Now that COVID has reared its ugly head, Thanksgiving has become a problem. I want to go to my daughter's as do the sons, but we are nervous about infecting anyone or someone infecting us. I am off to Remicade in an hour and will ask my nurses what they think.
Grief during the holidays is overwhelming. It was always Dennis' job to decorate the outside. Last weekend I put up a Santa with his pants on fire going down a chimney. Rudolph is at his side with a fire extinguisher. I hung 10 stars on a pine tree out front as well. Then I bought a 20.00 fake Christmas tree and new ornaments. I put up the tree and added the presents all bought a month or so ago because I knew this would be hard and wanted to be prepared. My purpose being, I want my grandchildren to know that life does go one.
I cried when the Santa went up and again with the tree. I cried myself to sleep wondering if I should go to my daughter's house. I want to see them so much. I cried this morning because life sucks right now. However, I am a realist and I know this will get better someday. I don't see how, right now, but I have to believe it will.
For those of us in grief, I wish us all the best. I hope we find happy moments in between the sadness and life amid the loss.
God bless everyone.
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