When I sat down to write my blog I had no idea where I was going to go with it. The lump in my stomach the holidays brought without Dennis continues to be overwhelming. For me, the mornings are the worst. We had a routine which I loved. I thought it would always be that way.
Then he was gone.
Today, when my daughter mentioned that her dad would be so proud of me learning how to live in a world without him, I felt a warmth kindle my soul. I am learning how to live without him. In the past month, I haven't crawled into my bed and pulled the covers over my face. I have allowed myself to do that twice before that, otherwise I am up and out of bed by ten at the latest. While some may find that late, I don't fall asleep until one or two in the morning.
After we hung up I thought I'd count my blessings. The night Dennis died, around three in the morning, I was on my computer ready to hit the send button to buy a four thousand dollar Short Haired Fox Terrier puppy. These little dudes are expensive because they are a dying breed. People don't think they are cute so they don't breed them anymore. Aggie, my bestie, died shortly after we learned Dennis had stage four cancer and I was missing her as well.
I was spared from this expensive fate by my daughter who just happened to walk into my room at the moment my finger was posed over the send button. She asked what I was doing, I told her, and she said no you are not and then she took my computer. She did the right thing because two weeks later Professor Higgins entered my life.
Higgins, who has had many names before I settled on the right one, Professor Higgins, is a barrel of laughter. He is a retired show dog and he knows his poses when he wants something. He never fails to make me laugh. When he is fed, he carefully eats only the bits he likes. When he is done he uses his paw and smacks the bowl sending the pieces he doesn't like across the floor. Then he cocks his head and looks at me, waiting for me to bring more. I don't and he gets that, but now it's a game as I make him eat the stuff he doesn't want before he gets his lunch. I suppose I should get upset but hey, he makes me laugh.
He likes his breakfast around six in the morning. I will be sleeping soundly when he crawls on top of me and starts licking my face. If that doesn't do it, he gets off and starts gently pulling my hair with his teeth. I get that I should discipline him but damn he makes me laugh even at that time of the morning. I feed him then we both go back to bed.
The only time he leaves my side is when I am writing. I think he feels great relief when I sit down which is something I don't do often enough. I haven't been writing because there is a part of me who believes I am no longer capable. My well spring of creativity has gone dry. At least that is how it feels.
Before Higgins I called every breeder I knew of that might have an adoptable dog. Dogs like Higgins are in short supply in the US but I was determined. Imagine my shock when the last place I called actually had a dog coming in who needed to be adopted and he would be here in two weeks. The weirdest part is that it was the breeder in Grass Valley who had one. Higgins had been retired and was coming home to his birthplace. And he was free!
Aggie, who died a few weeks before Dennis had been a breeder dog. She didn't know life outside a kennel so we had to be very gentle with her. Higgins on the other hand, did know life outside a kennel, but he didn't know how to be a dog. I have had so much fun watching him learn the tricks of dogdom. Even in the midst of my deepest despair that dog will come to comfort me either by laying his head on my lap or licking my hand. He knows when I am having a bad day. Higgins is not yet fixed because I am hoping to breed him once. I would love to have one of his puppies. He is only five and he's in prime form with no inherited diseases.
My world is still lonely, I still have bouts of soul destroying grief, but I also have something else. A routine which while it is not the one I want, it is not as bad as I'd once thought it would be. My kids and my dog keep me busy. Once in a while I laugh and even smile. I can even spit out a blog now and then.
My biggest accomplishment happened this morning. I actually envisioned a life without Dennis. I realized today that I can chose to live life hiding from COVID and my grief or I can reenter the world and make of it what I will. I refuse to live in fear. Tomorrow I get my antibody test but either way, I have decided to live again with all the dangers and trials that await me.
Then he was gone.
Today, when my daughter mentioned that her dad would be so proud of me learning how to live in a world without him, I felt a warmth kindle my soul. I am learning how to live without him. In the past month, I haven't crawled into my bed and pulled the covers over my face. I have allowed myself to do that twice before that, otherwise I am up and out of bed by ten at the latest. While some may find that late, I don't fall asleep until one or two in the morning.
After we hung up I thought I'd count my blessings. The night Dennis died, around three in the morning, I was on my computer ready to hit the send button to buy a four thousand dollar Short Haired Fox Terrier puppy. These little dudes are expensive because they are a dying breed. People don't think they are cute so they don't breed them anymore. Aggie, my bestie, died shortly after we learned Dennis had stage four cancer and I was missing her as well.
I was spared from this expensive fate by my daughter who just happened to walk into my room at the moment my finger was posed over the send button. She asked what I was doing, I told her, and she said no you are not and then she took my computer. She did the right thing because two weeks later Professor Higgins entered my life.
Higgins, who has had many names before I settled on the right one, Professor Higgins, is a barrel of laughter. He is a retired show dog and he knows his poses when he wants something. He never fails to make me laugh. When he is fed, he carefully eats only the bits he likes. When he is done he uses his paw and smacks the bowl sending the pieces he doesn't like across the floor. Then he cocks his head and looks at me, waiting for me to bring more. I don't and he gets that, but now it's a game as I make him eat the stuff he doesn't want before he gets his lunch. I suppose I should get upset but hey, he makes me laugh.
He likes his breakfast around six in the morning. I will be sleeping soundly when he crawls on top of me and starts licking my face. If that doesn't do it, he gets off and starts gently pulling my hair with his teeth. I get that I should discipline him but damn he makes me laugh even at that time of the morning. I feed him then we both go back to bed.
The only time he leaves my side is when I am writing. I think he feels great relief when I sit down which is something I don't do often enough. I haven't been writing because there is a part of me who believes I am no longer capable. My well spring of creativity has gone dry. At least that is how it feels.
Before Higgins I called every breeder I knew of that might have an adoptable dog. Dogs like Higgins are in short supply in the US but I was determined. Imagine my shock when the last place I called actually had a dog coming in who needed to be adopted and he would be here in two weeks. The weirdest part is that it was the breeder in Grass Valley who had one. Higgins had been retired and was coming home to his birthplace. And he was free!
Aggie, who died a few weeks before Dennis had been a breeder dog. She didn't know life outside a kennel so we had to be very gentle with her. Higgins on the other hand, did know life outside a kennel, but he didn't know how to be a dog. I have had so much fun watching him learn the tricks of dogdom. Even in the midst of my deepest despair that dog will come to comfort me either by laying his head on my lap or licking my hand. He knows when I am having a bad day. Higgins is not yet fixed because I am hoping to breed him once. I would love to have one of his puppies. He is only five and he's in prime form with no inherited diseases.
My world is still lonely, I still have bouts of soul destroying grief, but I also have something else. A routine which while it is not the one I want, it is not as bad as I'd once thought it would be. My kids and my dog keep me busy. Once in a while I laugh and even smile. I can even spit out a blog now and then.
My biggest accomplishment happened this morning. I actually envisioned a life without Dennis. I realized today that I can chose to live life hiding from COVID and my grief or I can reenter the world and make of it what I will. I refuse to live in fear. Tomorrow I get my antibody test but either way, I have decided to live again with all the dangers and trials that await me.
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