This was taken when both of us were at our ATC getting our cocktail of juices to keep us going. Both of us were on chemo but me for different reasons. I was so joyful that day, convinced that we would celebrate our 50th anniversary in just a few months. How wrong I was. When grief strikes, you become temporarily insane. At least that is how it felt to me. The first three months are a blur. The next three months filled with the ups and downs of grief then to the next set of three where I discovered true loneliness. Last week, I was having a conversation with my ten year-old gkid who is an avowed Libertarian who will become the first woman president or so she claims. All my grandkids are smart, damn smart, scary smart with solid ideals and a strong moral compass, but I digress. I was explaining to her this bizarre feeling I kept coming up against. I didn't understand the emotion but it was powerful enough to send me to bed more than once. This gkid is so easy to talk to and wise beyond her years. On our way back from from Target, a solid forty-five minute drive, she informed me I was feeling lonely. And not only was I lonely, but that I was lonely for someone who would never be there again. You just gotta love her. Direct and to the point. After considering her idea, I decided she was right, which brought a measure of consolation. I did some thinking and came up with a few positive take charge ideas for loneliness. 1. Be proactive. God has decided that I have to live even if I don't want to. So, I joined a kayaking club. First I joined then I bought my kayak which arrived last Friday. It is a blow up two seater but solid with two oars. On Sunday I grabbed the gkid and off we went to the lake. It was awesome! So peaceful and what a great way to get in touch with a gkid's mind. Tonight will be my first evening kayak with The Paddlers of Lake Wildwood. Hopefully I will get pictures. 2. For whatever reason I had it in my mind that I needed to learn how to live on my own. I would only visit the kids for dinner two times a week. That was so dumb. They like me and I like them. Why not go play at their house more than two times a week. Bob's Burgers is the greatest show on Earth. 3. I decided to take responsibility for my loneliness. It is up to me to change. The local writers group is next just as soon as June 15th roles around here in California. 4. There are times when the loneliness is profound and in these spaces it's hard to know what to do to get through them. I started feeding the hole in my gut with food. That did not go well. Then I fed it with projects. Now the house is done and I am still lonely. I can't keep feeding the hole and have decided that the loneliness is something I have to live through until it gets better, if ever. Dennis was my everything. My best friend, confident, buddy and sounding board. That is gone but the memories are still there. In the end, grief is mostly about time. Memories do fade, they lose the sharp edges and angles, the bitter hurt, the overwhelming shock and anger. He is as clear to me today as when he was alive, but the tragic memories are fading leaving me with the beauty of our life together. I wouldn't change a thing, Den. Pinky swear. Like we always said, "Together forever." I consider myself a reasonable person. The year 2020 brought with it not just the pandemic but the loss of my husband. I was in and out of multiple hospitals with him for months. I slept on the floor, in chairs, and even in fold-out beds. Nobody asked us to wear a mask inside any hospital as long as I was in his room. I was, for the most part his only visitor during those last few months. The staff at the hospitals were wonderful, except for the one nurse who decided to play God at Sierra Nevada Memorial. She decided because of COVID I had to go home. This was eight months into numerous hospital stays and eight months into the pandemic. Dennis and I had made a commitment to each other, if I was told to go home then he would go home, too. That was the day we went home and he died a short time later. I will never forget the nurses power drunk face as she ordered me to leave. No mercy, no understanding, no compassion. We were the only patients in ICU at the time. The staff actually cried when we left. Even the doctor in the ICU tried to change the nurse's mind but she would have none of it. My heart sank when I saw this tweet yesterday. I saw Biden's previous televised speech and to my way of seeing, he appeared much like that ICU nurse. He might have said, tough shit lady, these are your options. Vaccinate or wear a mask. That was followed by video of a store owner asking incoming patrons for their vaccination card with a big smile on her face. I have often wondered how the German government got the Jews to wear the Jewish star on their clothing. Now I know. Psychologically speaking, there are definitely ways which I never would have agreed with just one year ago.
I am not vaccinated and I won't be vaccinated, but I have already been vaccine shamed by someone I have known for a very long time. It hurt, really bad, but I support her need to not see me. She is worried I might infect her, when what she doesn't realize is that once you get the vaccine you can still get COVID, you just will have a light case or you will be symptomless. See Yankee's baseball story here. The mask is to protect me not her but I don't have the energy to explain it all to someone who won't listen to facts anyway. Another friend was told he/she could not see their grandchild unless they were jabbed. He/she got the jab. Another person down due to vaccine shame. Ask yourself, where will it stop? As most educated people are aware, masks are only partially effective and at that only three layers of cloth stop the virus by 50 to 75%. That's a whole bunch of people getting infected. Folded surgical masks can act as three layers simply because of the way they are made. No mask bought for fashion in a store, is effective. The virus is too small for single cloth masks. Even poor Fauchi can't make up his mind BUT! Then you have to consider what is the difference between surgical masks, throw-a-away masks, masks for fashion, and nurses masks and no they are not the same. But I will bet you that you will find numerous medical articles that state that masks are completely effective no matter which one you buy and visa versa. Truth is, no one knows. We are all guessing. So the big question remains: Why won't I take the jab? My doctor is not big on the jab. And by the way it is not a vaccine, it's like changing the root directory in your computer. Hard to find unless you know exactly where it is and once done almost impossible to fix. To put it simply, this is a genetic instruction to your RNA to build a little spike to fool the immune system into thinking any cell with a spike is to be killed immediately. Which is fine for most people. Just not for me who has an immune system on hyperdrive ninety percent of the time. I have several different autoimmune conditions and my doc is taking a wait and see attitude which is fine by me. Any life span I have after this August is borrowed in any case if you believe Stanford. I have always been a bit of a rebel too and I hate being told what I can and can't do as evidenced by my life story. Right now I feel pretty good. I am learning a slower pace to life, and if it wasn't for COVID I would have nothing to worry about except for grief. If the vaccine becomes mandated in California I will move. I have done my homework and for now, I wear my mask and I will take your mask-shaming and wear it with pride. After all: My body, my choice. Two cursed families. One marauding god. Zero chance of escape. And now the bad news. Tuscany, 1603. Andolosia Petasos dreams of being the next Da Vinci, only Fate has cursed him to make hats. It's not Andolosia's fault. After all, it was his Greek ancestor who stole Hermes' teleportation hat and brought down all of Olympus. The gods just don't forgive that sort of thing. For Moira, weaving fates is a thankless job — what with the rampant sexual harassment, unequal pay, and incompetent management. And now she must weave a future that will fix the Olympian disaster, the very one she created. Andolosia's life changes when the rich and powerful Sansone de Medici commissions a fantastical hat. At de Medici's Florentine palazzo, Andolosia encounters the feisty Carlotta Lux. She claims de Medici has kidnapped her because she is descended from Daphne, the legendary water nymph. Of course, Andolosia has no choice but to rescue her using Hermes' hat. But instead of gratitude, she is furious. Carlotta had been within inches of killing her captor. Sansone de Medici is not who he seems. He is driven by a supernatural urge that demands he never gives up the chase. And Andolosia and Carlotta can't run far enough to escape him. My historical fantasy novel, Fate Accompli: The Water Nymph Gospels, Book 1, will be published May 18, 2021 by Ellysian Press.
I published my debut novel, Kasper Mützenmacher's Cursed Hat (Curiosity Quills Press), in 2017. Foreword Clarion Reviews rated the novel 5 out of 5, nominated it as a 2017 Indies Book of the Year Finalist in the fantasy category, and shortlisted it for the editor's prize. Kirkus Review described Cursed Hat as "an undeniably imaginative journey" that "keeps the reader eager to uncover its final destination." I will expand and re-release Cursed Hat as Books 2 and 3 of The Water Nymph Gospels. Aside from novels, I've published short stories, one of which was nominated for a Pushcart Prize, and humor pieces in Defenestration and The Satirist. When not wearing my fiction writer hat, I practice consumer protection law in Washington, D.C. Rest assured your tax dollars are hard at work as I battle marketers of "modern miracles" like weight-loss earrings and penile-enhancing herbs. (Please let me know if you spot an ad for penile enhancement earrings.) I graduated from the University of Michigan with a degree in philosophy, which, surprisingly, did not qualify me for gainful employment. In short, it was on to graduate school. Well, almost. I spent a year touring with a professional comedy troupe, writing and performing sketch comedy at colleges in the Mid-Atlantic States. After that frolic and detour, it was a blur of law school, falling in love, cats, marriage, a dog, children, a fish, more dogs, another fish, a chinchilla, guinea pigs, and an assortment of uninvited rodents that have since burrowed through the foundation. Storybook. I live in Kensington, Maryland with my wife, Laura. Stoney and Bay are our adult children. Wait. Adult children? WTF? The chinchilla and guinea pigs have moved on to homes with younger kids. The fish is dead. |
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