This was taken when both of us were at our ATC getting our cocktail of juices to keep us going. Both of us were on chemo but me for different reasons. I was so joyful that day, convinced that we would celebrate our 50th anniversary in just a few months. How wrong I was.
When grief strikes, you become temporarily insane. At least that is how it felt to me. The first three months are a blur. The next three months filled with the ups and downs of grief then to the next set of three where I discovered true loneliness.
Last week, I was having a conversation with my ten year-old gkid who is an avowed Libertarian who will become the first woman president or so she claims. All my grandkids are smart, damn smart, scary smart with solid ideals and a strong moral compass, but I digress.
I was explaining to her this bizarre feeling I kept coming up against. I didn't understand the emotion but it was powerful enough to send me to bed more than once. This gkid is so easy to talk to and wise beyond her years. On our way back from from Target, a solid forty-five minute drive, she informed me I was feeling lonely. And not only was I lonely, but that I was lonely for someone who would never be there again.
You just gotta love her. Direct and to the point.
After considering her idea, I decided she was right, which brought a measure of consolation. I did some thinking and came up with a few positive take charge ideas for loneliness.
1. Be proactive. God has decided that I have to live even if I don't want to. So, I joined a kayaking club. First I joined then I bought my kayak which arrived last Friday. It is a blow up two seater but solid with two oars. On Sunday I grabbed the gkid and off we went to the lake. It was awesome! So peaceful and what a great way to get in touch with a gkid's mind. Tonight will be my first evening kayak with The Paddlers of Lake Wildwood. Hopefully I will get pictures.
2. For whatever reason I had it in my mind that I needed to learn how to live on my own. I would only visit the kids for dinner two times a week. That was so dumb. They like me and I like them. Why not go play at their house more than two times a week. Bob's Burgers is the greatest show on Earth.
3. I decided to take responsibility for my loneliness. It is up to me to change. The local writers group is next just as soon as June 15th roles around here in California.
4. There are times when the loneliness is profound and in these spaces it's hard to know what to do to get through them. I started feeding the hole in my gut with food. That did not go well. Then I fed it with projects. Now the house is done and I am still lonely. I can't keep feeding the hole and have decided that the loneliness is something I have to live through until it gets better, if ever. Dennis was my everything. My best friend, confident, buddy and sounding board. That is gone but the memories are still there.
In the end, grief is mostly about time. Memories do fade, they lose the sharp edges and angles, the bitter hurt, the overwhelming shock and anger. He is as clear to me today as when he was alive, but the tragic memories are fading leaving me with the beauty of our life together.
I wouldn't change a thing, Den. Pinky swear. Like we always said, "Together forever."
When grief strikes, you become temporarily insane. At least that is how it felt to me. The first three months are a blur. The next three months filled with the ups and downs of grief then to the next set of three where I discovered true loneliness.
Last week, I was having a conversation with my ten year-old gkid who is an avowed Libertarian who will become the first woman president or so she claims. All my grandkids are smart, damn smart, scary smart with solid ideals and a strong moral compass, but I digress.
I was explaining to her this bizarre feeling I kept coming up against. I didn't understand the emotion but it was powerful enough to send me to bed more than once. This gkid is so easy to talk to and wise beyond her years. On our way back from from Target, a solid forty-five minute drive, she informed me I was feeling lonely. And not only was I lonely, but that I was lonely for someone who would never be there again.
You just gotta love her. Direct and to the point.
After considering her idea, I decided she was right, which brought a measure of consolation. I did some thinking and came up with a few positive take charge ideas for loneliness.
1. Be proactive. God has decided that I have to live even if I don't want to. So, I joined a kayaking club. First I joined then I bought my kayak which arrived last Friday. It is a blow up two seater but solid with two oars. On Sunday I grabbed the gkid and off we went to the lake. It was awesome! So peaceful and what a great way to get in touch with a gkid's mind. Tonight will be my first evening kayak with The Paddlers of Lake Wildwood. Hopefully I will get pictures.
2. For whatever reason I had it in my mind that I needed to learn how to live on my own. I would only visit the kids for dinner two times a week. That was so dumb. They like me and I like them. Why not go play at their house more than two times a week. Bob's Burgers is the greatest show on Earth.
3. I decided to take responsibility for my loneliness. It is up to me to change. The local writers group is next just as soon as June 15th roles around here in California.
4. There are times when the loneliness is profound and in these spaces it's hard to know what to do to get through them. I started feeding the hole in my gut with food. That did not go well. Then I fed it with projects. Now the house is done and I am still lonely. I can't keep feeding the hole and have decided that the loneliness is something I have to live through until it gets better, if ever. Dennis was my everything. My best friend, confident, buddy and sounding board. That is gone but the memories are still there.
In the end, grief is mostly about time. Memories do fade, they lose the sharp edges and angles, the bitter hurt, the overwhelming shock and anger. He is as clear to me today as when he was alive, but the tragic memories are fading leaving me with the beauty of our life together.
I wouldn't change a thing, Den. Pinky swear. Like we always said, "Together forever."
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