The Journey Continues: Anchoring Myself in My Values #pickleball #friendship #values

Living a Life that's True to Me

While struggling to understand my core values during this time of self-reflection, I got a phone call from my niece, who needed some advice. While talking to her, I remembered that when the kids were young, they would often roll their eyes as I began the Aunty Louann routine. I chuckled as I remembered their disdain as I launched into the importance of values though I did not call them values at the time. I always had a story about why they should do this or that. 

Since my husband died, I have been on a mission to meet new people and to grow spiritually and practically. I'd never had the time to consider my health, both mental and physical, as raising kids while running a business and writing didn't give me the time. I realize now that I would have made time if I had prioritized it. I thought chocolate was all I'd ever need to put things right. 

Instead of chocolate, in this period of my life, I decided to play pickleball and hike. I know very few people at pickleball, so in my attempt to meet people, my son, the thinker, has watched me interact with other players. He asked me the other day why I felt the need to tell other people about my life. He had observed that I offer my life story to just about anyone, even people who have no need to know.

That set me thinking.

One week later, I still hadn't figured out why.

I know myself well enough to know that when I get nervous, I babble. Then, I figured that the first thing other people would know about me was that I babbled when I was nervous. I have come to the conclusion that different people have anxiety or panic attacks, while I have babble attacks. I am taking classes to help me because I've no experience with group interaction. Unless it is from a business perspective and that doesn't translate well into friendship. 

Today, while on the treadmill, because it's raining and I don't want to go outside, I worked hard to clear my mind. I needed to find out why babbling my life to people was my first instinct on meeting them. Today, while walking, I managed the impossible. The information my quiet mind told me was so profound I had to shut down the treadmill and think. 

I tell people about the first fourteen years of my life so they know I am strong, resilient, and that I find strength and peace in silence, though as a nervous babbler, people would find that hard to believe. I learned early on that instead of confrontation that does little to change people's mind, to lay down the sword and withdraw.  

The next twenty years of my life show people that my spirituality comes first, after which responsibility, perseverance, loyalty, and love guided me through the storms of life. 

The following twenty show that I'm smart, capable, and a good, not great, leader. I can tackle challenges and sometimes miss the mark, but at least I try. I am stubborn and creative. 

The next twenty years show my love of life and family. Because of my first fourteen years, family has always been a priority. They are my life, my love, and my heart.  

The last four years show people I can withstand great pain and use that suffering to grow. 

Obviously, I don't blurt out everything at once, but I get pretty close. I also understand this is my grown-up version of the Aunty Louann routine. When I tell people my stories, they know who I am and what I stand for. People can also choose to like me or not based on my life experiences.  Because I am a writer, I do have a public life. So, I tell my stories once, and I'm done. If people want to follow up, I am available to answer a limited number of questions. Do I babble it out? Yup. I stand guilty. I am a babbler. 

My self-reflection has shown me that so far, I have remained mostly true to my core values. And for the times I have crossed the line I have almost forgiven myself. This tells me that following my conscience has guided me well. On the other hand, I have been rude and quick to anger, especially when I see injustice and thoughtlessness. I misjudge people all the time because I am socially inept. I have no problem in admitting it. I haven't any experience in group interaction, but I'm learning and probably stepping on a few toes in the process. For those bruised feet, I am sorry. 

For now, the journey of life continues.