Self-Introspection isn't Easy

Ah, the ever-fascinating practice of self-introspection!

It’s like deep diving into the intricate layers of my mind and soul. I get to step back from the whirlwind of everyday life and examine my thoughts, feelings, and actions with a critical yet compassionate eye. It is the compassionate part I'm having trouble with. Because emotions require great self-control, self-introspection is difficult for me. Sometimes, my emotions get the best of me, especially when it comes to grief. I have to sit down and remind myself that the process offers a chance to: 

1. Understand Myself Better: By reflecting on my experiences and reactions, I am uncovering patterns and values that shape my behavior. I can also make choices now about how I see myself in the future. Since I have the time, what better way to spend it than to examine the gift I have been given. Life. 
2. Grow Personally: I am identifying areas where I want to improve or change.  And there are a lot of them! It is like putting a puzzle back together again. Frustrating, scary, and rewarding. 
3. Enhance Emotional Intelligence: I am gaining insight into my emotions. I see how they influence my actions, and this helps me navigate relationships and situations more effectively. Well, except for one little blip on the radar screen. Sometimes I don't understand my emotions or why I feel the way I do, and I just want to make them go away. Then I discovered neurotransmitters and hormones. Kinda takes the esotericness out of the process. Still, when in the middle of an emotional storm, no matter how hard I try to make it go away, I can't. I have to wait until the storm subsides. What I have learned is that it does. 
4. Build Resilience: Reflecting on past challenges and how I overcame them is fostering a sense of resilience and confidence in facing future obstacles. However, when I face something new, there is no past to rely on. Like attending parties alone or sitting at pickleball with my paddle in line to see if people want to play with a newbie who isn't very good. Pickleball is a humbling experience. Then I remind myself that I have learned how to drive a boat, I can fix a toilet, and I am now considering painting house. I also go camping! 
5. Find Meaning and Purpose: By contemplating what truly matters to me, I am aligning my core values and pursuing a more fulfilling and purposeful life. This has been the most difficult part for me. Discovering what is most important in my life. Family, friendship, and possibly a new relationship.  I just haven't met the right person yet. Well, maybe I have and just don't know it. 

I am trying to think of this experience from the perspective of being both a scientist and subject in the ongoing experiment of my life.  It’s a journey that requires honesty, courage, and a willingness to embrace the light and shadow within me. None of this is easy. It requires deep concentration and honesty and that is hard. It requires letting go and letting in. All of which is hard. 

In the words of the philosopher Socrates, "The unexamined life is not worth living."