Grief Journey: Self-Discipline and Emotional Intelligence #grief #emotionalintelligence #selfdiscipline

I invited a new neighbor to a party because I thought she might want to meet other women who have the same hobby she has. She was happy I invited her, but she needed to take her own car because she brought her dog with her everywhere. We had a lovely conversation, and I thought all went well. 

We agreed to meet at 5:45 and I got there early. I grabbed a table at the party and made sure there was enough room for everyone even if we did have to squeeze a little. I watched for her and eventually she arrived. I thought she was in the beverage line, so I went over to join her. I showed her where we were sitting and asked her to join us.

She abruptly said no. Not no thank you I've decided to join other people, just no.

I paused, because pausing is about harnessing your emotions, and I was completely confused because we were obviously on two different wave lengths. I said again, come on over and join us you'll have fun. At which point she yelled that she was with other people, and she didn't need a mother. I was open-mouthed because this was a new group situation and there were others present. Frankly, I didn't know how to handle it, and I was embarrassed. I went back to my seat and paused a little more then went back over and said, "I wasn't trying to be your mother, I was trying to be your friend."

If you follow my blog, you know that friend-group situations are a new experience for me. I've done business groups, physician board of directors, employee training etc., but this sports group friend thing is completely new, and it is far harder than I expected. I still haven't figured out what set her off but most assuredly it was a trigger of some sort.  Maybe I was too pushy? Perhaps, but we'd had this lovely conversation about the people she could meet. I thought perhaps she was just shy, and I wanted to reassure her. I am empathetic, so I naturally wanted to put her at ease. In any case, my attempt at friendship was done but we can be cordial neighbors.  

One of my psychology classes just happened to address self-discipline and the power of the pause in emotional intelligence which melded perfectly with my experience. I did pause twice and although I didn't get the outcome I'd anticipated, I feel like I was true enough to myself to not over think it. I am also utilizing the theory of no contact. You can't change people so why bother trying. Obviously, I am not her friend person. I no longer argue with people or try to live up to their expectations. I quietly drop the sword and walk away.  I learned early in my childhood how to disappear, and this skill has stayed with me my entire life. 

I lost myself when my husband died, and I entered into the more public aspect of friend life. I hadn't had to experience relationships outside my family. I didn't need to. It was just us and there were a lot of us! At that time, I would have bet my life you'd never see me involved in sports. I couldn't hit a baseball or play basketball to save my life, so large group interactions weren't anything I ever bothered to learn about. 

Because of the turmoil of grief, the first year and a half of grieving rarely saw me out of bed before 10 am. I hated to go to sleep at night and hated to wake up in the morning. Nothing brought me joy, and nothing could ease my pain. My despair was so profound it was turning into depression. I knew instinctively that I had to do something to bring myself around.

Enter self-discipline. A hard task master but very much needed. Grief, even though it is an emotion, is not and should not be controlled. The only way to handle grief is to go through it. But there are ways to ease the journey. I found goals to focus on and consistently worked toward them, even when faced with challenges or temptations. It meant changing my sleep patterns and sitting down to editing when I'd rather eat chocolate ice cream and watch TV. I made my goals small and achievable.  

Some key aspects of self-discipline include:

• Goal Setting: Clearly defining what you want to achieve. 
• Self-Motivation: Finding the inner drive to keep going, even when it's tough.
• Time Management: Prioritizing tasks and managing your time effectively.
• Delayed Gratification: Choosing long-term rewards over short-term pleasures.

Emotional intelligence is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage your own emotions and those of others. It is a juggling act at best. After the death of a spouse, you are completely out of control, and I do not say that lightly. There are so many emotions roiling around inside you can't keep tract much less keep control, but I discovered you have to try. It is in the trying that we learn how to live. 

The death of my husband forced me to relearn self-discipline and emotional intelligence.  I don't know how to explain to people that the death of a long-term spouse forces you to stare into the pits of hell and create something beautiful out of it for you and your family. I have learned that with emotion the best you can hope for is that you get it right some of the time. We all have triggers and sometimes they get in the way.

There are four main components of emotional intelligence:

• Self-Awareness: Recognizing your own emotions and their impact on your thoughts and behavior.
• Self-Management: Controlling your emotions and adapting to changing circumstances.
• Social Awareness: Understanding the emotions, needs, and concerns of others.
• Relationship Management: Building and maintaining healthy relationships, effectively communicating, and resolving conflicts.

Self-discipline and emotional intelligence are interconnected and enhance each other. For instance, emotional intelligence has helped me manage my emotions better, while self-discipline has boosted my self-motivation and perseverance. The journey though grief isn't easy, and developing these skills takes time and practice. One thing I do know, just practicing those actions will lead to a more balanced, successful, and fulfilling life.