Choosing Empathy over Judgment #boundaries #control #manipulation #peace

The Importance of Not Judging Others #boundaries #control #manipulation #filters
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Boundaries
I lost a friend because our boundaries are very different. Hers allow for very little give, while mine are far more fluid.  It is difficult for me to remember so many boundaries and because I am more imaginative, and she is more analytical we did not mesh. I remember big boundaries and end up stepping all over the little ones. In fact, there were so many boundaries, it became impossible for me because I couldn't remember and respect them all, causing me great concern.

I prefer fluid interactions with people, not relationships where I have to think about what I can say or not say.  It was also difficult because I could not state my own opinions truthfully for fear of offence. And so, when I was around her, I became someone I did not know. The bottom line was she could only continue our relationship if I completely agreed with her while I realized that part of growing was being true to oneself. It doesn't mean either is right or wrong, it just means we have different journeys.

What a beautiful gift to leave one with. 

Control
Boundaries can sometimes be used as a means of control when they are enforced rigidly or without consideration for others’ needs or autonomy. For example, a person might use the guise of setting boundaries to manipulate or isolate someone, dictating their actions or limiting their freedom of speech under the pretext of personal comfort. This is different from healthy boundaries, which aim to protect personal well-being while respecting others.

In my contemplations, I realized there are so many stories for why people step on boundaries that it is impossible for me to force someone to adhere rigidly to mine. Maybe someone they loved died that day or they were in an accident, or, well my mind can take me anywhere. I also don't take things personally, though when I realized we no longer meshed I was sure it was my fault. Which it wasn't. 

After much thought, I let her go. My peace was destroyed as was hers and, in those situations, it is good to let things go when it becomes impossible to understand each other's truth. We had come to a fork in the road, and we chose different paths. It happens in life all the time.  But it did get me to thinking about boundaries and rules. 

In today's world of texting, emailing, Skyping, etc., it can be all too easy to make snap judgments about others. Whether it’s a quick comment about someone’s appearance, a critique of their choices, or assumptions about their intentions or intellect, judgment often sneaks into our interactions without us realizing it. However, taking the time to pause and withhold judgment is one of the most valuable habits we can cultivate — for others and ourselves. Letting our boundaries breathe is also important. We all have uncrossable boundaries but be selective with them. You can't make every boundary you have uncrossable, or you will find yourself wrapped up in people who only think like you do. That stops personal growth. 
 
1. Everyone Has a Unique Story
Every individual is shaped by their experiences, challenges, and cultural backgrounds. What may seem puzzling or frustrating at first glance often has a deeper story behind it. For example, someone who appears distant might be dealing with personal struggles that are invisible to the outside world. By refraining from judgment, we open the door to empathy and understanding.

2. Judging Can Harm Relationships
When we judge others, we create barriers that prevent meaningful connections. Imagine being on the receiving end of judgment — it’s disheartening and unbridgeable in some cases. Instead, choosing to be curious rather than critical fosters trust and builds stronger relationships between people. Everyone steps on everyone else's boundaries sometimes. That's called life. 

3. Judgment Reflects Our Own Biases
Often, the judgments we form about others reveal more about our own insecurities and preconceived notions than about the person being judged. Recognizing this can be a powerful tool for self-awareness. When we catch ourselves in the act of judging, it’s worth asking: “Why do I feel this way? Is this about them, or is it about me?” This introspection helps us grow and become more open-minded.

4. Practicing Non-Judgment Leads to Personal Growth
Withholding judgment encourages patience, compassion, and a broader perspective. It challenges us to move beyond superficial impressions and embrace complexity. Over time, this not only improves our relationships but also strengthens our emotional intelligence and resilience.

5. The Power of Giving Others the Benefit of the Doubt
When we stop judging, we allow room for second chances and personal transformation. People are capable of change, and showing grace can make all the difference in someone’s journey. A small act of understanding from you might inspire someone to rise above their circumstances and grow into their best self.

6. How to Cultivate a Non-Judgmental Mindset
Becoming less judgmental doesn’t happen overnight, but small changes in perspective can make a big difference:

• Practice empathy: Put yourself in others’ shoes and imagine their challenges.
• Ask questions: Instead of assuming, seek to understand.
• Focus on your own growth: Redirect the energy spent on judging others toward improving yourself.
• Adopt a mantra: Repeat phrases like “Everyone is doing their best” or “I choose kindness” to reinforce positive habits.

Filters
People who lack filters and say whatever comes to mind often do so for various reasons, which can include personality traits, neurological differences, or situational factors. While it is not always a handicap, it can sometimes be linked to specific conditions. It is good to remember that these types of people generally don't have boundaries and will generally find it impossible to honor yours. If these people are good hearted souls make room in your heart. If you can't abide the occasional lapse, let them go in peace.

Here’s a breakdown of why this happens:

1. Personality Traits: Some individuals are naturally more outspoken or blunt. They may prioritize honesty over tact or lack awareness of how their words affect others.
2. Neurological or Psychological Conditions: Certain conditions, such as ADHD, autism spectrum disorder (ASD), or Tourette syndrome, can impair impulse control or social awareness, leading to unfiltered speech. Similarly, traumatic brain injuries or dementia can affect areas of the brain responsible for self-regulation.
3. Stress or Fatigue: When people are overly tired or stressed, their ability to filter their thoughts may decrease. In such states, they may say things they wouldn’t under normal circumstances.
4. Lack of Social Awareness: Some people might not fully understand social norms, leading them to say things others consider inappropriate or unnecessary.
5. Cultural Differences: In some cultures, directness is valued and may not be seen as a lack of a filter but rather as a sign of honesty or efficiency. I am guilty of this when I lose patience. It has gotten worse as I've aged, and I work to keep my expectations from interfering with the thoughts and opinions of others. 

Choosing not to judge but to accept other people's journeys is a powerful way to foster kindness, build stronger relationships, and grow as individuals. It’s a practice that benefits not only those around us but also ourselves. By embracing compassion over criticism, we create a more understanding and connected world. In those cases where it is impossible to go on, let the person go with love and understanding. We don't all grow at the same time.

​So, the next time you’re tempted to judge or take offense because someone has different boundaries, or opinions, take a moment to pause and choose empathy instead. You might be surprised at the profound impact it has on your life.

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