A Writer's Life Interrupted #crohns #flare #crohnsflare

Just as I was getting ready to sing the praises of Remicade I get a partial blockage and a Crohn's flare. I am glad that I no longer question myself about how I caused this flare to happen. I have come to the conclusion that food has nothing to do with Crohn's. It can exacerbate symptoms if you have them, but it doesn't cause the disease.

Have you visited www.23andme.com/start yet? I think  I have found the solution to the age old question of how did I get Crohn's? Or the old why me why me? On 23andme you get to find out your DNA for free if you have Crohn's disease. It's easy. Just visit the site, fill out the form, wait for your test tube, spit into it, and send it back. When they alert you that your report is ready you get to take a peek at all that pesky stuff inside you. 

It appears I am a Neanderthal. At least partly. And lest I kill your adventuress spirit Google Neanderthal DNA and Crohn's disease. I am a Central European/East Asian mix with some German and French. I am a true American with a little bit of everything. There isn't one single group of people that I can claim to be closest to. Not one.

In any case, I knew there was a reason for Crohn's and it isn't food. It is all about the genes (and the environment). However, having a little Neanderthal in me is suppose to make my skin tougher and my nails stronger. Um, no. Remicade took care of my nails and my hair, and my skin? Well, it's just old. Having a little Neanderthal makes me a goal setter. That is dead on me. I do not give up, ever, but Crohn's is teaching me to take my time getting there.

Not that I am off topic or anything.

A Crohn's flare does many things, but the one aspect I haven't discussed is what it does to me mentally. I wrote an entire post on this subject and then deleted it. I am afraid of showing vulnerability because there are people in this world who take advantage of  my vulnerability and pounce. When I am pounced upon I bite. After I bite I feel bad then sad then depressed. So, in my mind vulnerability is a bad thing.

It is at this juncture I remind myself to unpack my tool bag. 

Louann's Tool Bag

I reach inside my tool  bag which looks remarkably like a golf  bag covered in plaid. I have no idea why I have this mental image, but I do. The first thing I pull out is....

A block of wood with the words ACCEPT AND ADAPT burned into it. This block of wood is heavy and very long. No wonder I need a golf bag to lug the thing around. I flip it over to the other side and in bright gold letters is the word:

ENVY

Envy is a challenge. I envy those with energy.   So, I pull up the envy inside of me, acknowledge its existence and put it away. I have to, because living with envy will eat you alive. I won't deny that I would love to be healthy and active, but Crohn's arthritis and osteoarthritis kicks butt. Most of the time I don't let the pain stop me but sometimes I just have to spend a day on the couch.

Next I pull out a plate, hand painted with a lovely red barn and a wheat field. Emblazoned on the barn is the word: 

 JEALOUSY

Not only do I feel envy but I am jealous.  I hate jealousy so I imagine it as a obelisk and walk around it. What do I see in the opened windows of my fine creation? Friends getting together over coffee. I watch them laugh and wish I could laugh with them. I am jealous of their laughter. I am jealous of their friendship. I am jealous of everything and everyone who does not have this disease.

But at its root, jealousy is fear of rejection with a healthy dose of agitation and worry. I lift up my very heavy board that reads ACCEPT AND ADAPT and let my old friend jealousy roll though. I recognize my plate for what it is and soon the feeling weakens on its own. I remind myself that I am grateful for my friends and family. They are very near and dear to me and the energy I do have is spent on those I love best.

Next I see a milk can and across it is written:

SELF-DOUBT

Sometimes I fill up my milk can and sometimes I empty it. As a writer I have to take the criticism that comes with the territory. Like an actor, you can't be thinned skinned. Not that that has anything to do with Crohn's disease except stress exasperates the condition and when you are weak the self-doubt is worse.

The seat of  emotion is not in your heart or in your solar plexus. It is in your gut.  So I have to take tons of vitamins to keep up my levels and my gut biosphere. If I forget, and I do forget, either that or I start feeling good and then forget I need to take them, which soon makes me feel bad so then I have to start taking them again.  A vicious circle I tell you. When I get low I get anxious, tired, exhausted actually, and I start doubting myself. So, I pull out my board that says ACCEPT AND ADAPT, turn it over and write TAKE YOUR VITAMINS.

That stupid board is very important to me. It reminds me I am human. That it is OK to fail and OK to perceive the world in my own unique way. ACCEPT AND ADAPT is important to me, yet at the same time I fight acceptance. I believe I can always do better.

I once sent my editor an e-mail that informed her my goal was to one day write a book that did not need editing.

She probably laughed.

She wouldn't have giggled at the Neanderthal in me and it's a darn good thing I didn't hear her.

*insert sinister laughter here*

Just kidding Jen!